13th August, 2012
I’m quite sure that I am becoming a cynical pessimist with every passing day. I used to believe in rainbows and sunshine, in promises and trust. I used to believe that everyone had a good side, and that we should focus on the good in people so that it encourages them to bring out the good in them. I used to believe in humanity but life has taught me otherwise. My little bubble of naivety burst open and took away all of my optimism and peace of mind. I witnessed the darker side of people. I saw their ugly faces hidden behind masks of friendliness and congenial attitudes. And it broke me. It shattered me because it shattered my faith. It cracked my expectation of high standards of morality that I had believed that very person followed. It was all that I had ever believed in. So when my unshakable faith in humans finally dissolved, it took me away with it.
Maybe I’m lying. Maybe I’m not being honest with myself. For somewhere deep down inside me I still believe there is some goodness left in people, some humanity. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone could be bad. Maybe I have surrounded myself with the wrong people. Maybe I just need to find the right ones. Maybe there is still hope.
This “hope” is what prevents me from letting go of my past self completely. They say transitions are always painful. And I do realize that I am in one. Neither a pessimist that seems to be my future nor an optimist that was my past. And a realist I never was. I am neither half nor whole. I feel lost.
I’m quite sure that I am becoming a cynical pessimist with every passing day. I used to believe in rainbows and sunshine, in promises and trust. I used to believe that everyone had a good side, and that we should focus on the good in people so that it encourages them to bring out the good in them. I used to believe in humanity but life has taught me otherwise. My little bubble of naivety burst open and took away all of my optimism and peace of mind. I witnessed the darker side of people. I saw their ugly faces hidden behind masks of friendliness and congenial attitudes. And it broke me. It shattered me because it shattered my faith. It cracked my expectation of high standards of morality that I had believed that very person followed. It was all that I had ever believed in. So when my unshakable faith in humans finally dissolved, it took me away with it.
Maybe I’m lying. Maybe I’m not being honest with myself. For somewhere deep down inside me I still believe there is some goodness left in people, some humanity. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone could be bad. Maybe I have surrounded myself with the wrong people. Maybe I just need to find the right ones. Maybe there is still hope.
This “hope” is what prevents me from letting go of my past self completely. They say transitions are always painful. And I do realize that I am in one. Neither a pessimist that seems to be my future nor an optimist that was my past. And a realist I never was. I am neither half nor whole. I feel lost.
