He had not been answering my calls for a few days.
And I was sick with worry.
Even though he looked okay in the mornings when I got lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him, but deep down I knew that something was not right.
He seemed distant from everyone. Even his closest friends. Some days he used to stand besides them for a last minute revision before our exam started. On others he used to stand alone in a corner; unsmiling and serious.
And even though I sensed that things were somehow just wrong, not merely in his life but between us too, my stupid heart just didn't get it. It went into an over drive the moment it landed it's eyes on him. Which was something that I had to hide every time by pressing my nose into my book and pretending to understand what I was reading. Or acting to listen to what my friends were saying, when all of my attention was focused on a dark brown head with big lovely eyes that weren't smiling like they used to.
And it was killing me.
Somewhere between friendship and care, I had started to feel something else for this person. This boy who used to care, who used to make me smile, who never said no to me. For me, he had started to become something much more. Something that I wasn't even willing to admit to myself.
Because I knew he'd never believe me. He never did believe me.
I have never felt such an overwhelming urge to protect someone. To hide them away from all their worries and wipe away the frown and that serious stance that indicated that things were not good. That he was upset. And I couldn't do anything about it. I was itching to do something.
But I didn't do a thing.
I did not know what to do.
So I gave him my silent support, thinking that he needed time and space perhaps. That eventually, he'll be okay with whatever that is going on. So I waited quietly even though I wanted to go to him and ask him what was wrong. I wanted to grab a hold of him by his arm and drag him to a corner and shake him till he tell me why wasn't he smiling anymore. I wanted to scream at him, not giving a damn about the hundreds of students standing around us. To tell me why he was pushing me away? What had I done? Why was he ignoring me?
But most of all, I wanted to ask him why wasn't he sharing whatever that was worrying him?
He had promised me once said that he would tell me everything, share everything with me. I remember his words which he had once uttered laughing, "Tumhe nahi btaun ga to aur kis ko btaun ga? Chahy tumhe btanay ka faida nhi ha." (If not you, who would I share with? Even when it's no use telling you).
And like a fool I had believed his each and every word, his every promise.
And at that moment, this was exactly what was killing me.
That he had promised to share his worries with me.
So why wasn't he doing so?
I do not like to nag, but I was worried about him. I started asking him again and again and again. He said not to worry. He said nothing was wrong. But it didn't feel like it. I spent each night repeating every moment of our past few conversations in my head, trying to think what was wrong. Was there something I had done? Why was he pushing me away?
Finally, I couldn't do anything but to wait for him to come to me on his own terms. I told him he could share his burdens with me.
But he said nothing.
I ached for him. I wanted to take away his worries and make him smile. I wanted him to open up. I wanted to be there for him.
But all he did was throw it all back at my face.
I couldn't breathe.
I had offered my support and he did not want it.
I had wanted to talk to him and he plainly refused, saying that he had to study.
I couldn't speak.
And then, I did what I'm so good at:
I lost my patience.
I demanded him to tell me why he was acing like this. I was furious. And hurt. So incredibly hurt. But all he replied was, "It's nothing. I'm busy. My sister is here."
So now he was too busy for me.
He said he'll talk to me "later".
The "later" that had not arrived since so many days that felt like forever. I told him not to bother. And he told me to shut up and go to hell.
If him ignoring me for the past few days and telling me he was too busy for me had my heart hurting then this just snapped it into two.
How a heart bleeds when it's cut to pieces.
And how mere words can be the only weapon needed.
I do not even remember what happened the next few days. It was as if I was in a haze. Present, but too numb to process anything. There was just too much hurt. And pain.
Then he said something about visiting a surgeon and I immediately felt horrible for all my insecurities. I was so ashamed. Had I known it had been anything this serious I wouldn't have ever nagged him. I wouldn't have accused him for ignoring me or any other thing like that. Even though I wished he had told me earlier that the situation was this serious, I fell silent. He was really too busy and I did not need to put him into any more trouble. So I became quiet. Thinking that this is what he wanted from me. That he was so busy at home and in studies that it would be best if I just kept quiet and let him deal with it like he wanted to. To not burden him with my demands too.
If only I knew!
Had I known what I considered support would be perceived as abandonment by him I would never have dared so! I did not ask him any questions regarding his exams prep nor about his family. In my mind, he was too busy to talk about it and I must not bother him with too many questions. Nor call him again since he must need time for studying too. He had refused to talk to me the last time I had called. I didn't want to suffer that hurt and rejection again either.
But I was damned the moment I did so...
In his eyes, I had abandoned him and left him alone and was too selfish to care about anyone. My silence was my flaw and it indicated how selfish and mean I was.
And there was nothing in this world that could change his mind. Not my pleas, not my words.
And I did plea him to understand!
I threw away my ego and hurt and pleaded him to understand how this was not what I had done. That it was only a mistake and a misunderstanding. That I would never have done so if I had only known how it would feel to him...
But nothing could ever change his facts. And his facts had declared me guilty. There was nothing that I could say or do that would ever change his perception. I was found guilty in his court and nothing would prove my innocence. A little loss of patience and I ended up with paying a price too heavy to bear...
So I got quiet again. I didn't tell him of the nights I spent awake, praying to God that everything would be fine. I didn't tell him of all the times I raised my hands in prayers since he told me the truth. I didn't tell him of the abandonment I had felt when he had pushed me away, nor the guilt of not doing what he felt I should have done.
I became quiet.
Because I knew that things would never be the same again...
Life is a funny little puzzle.
And people make all sorts of promises all the time.
Best not to believe them.
They'll turn colder than the coldest winter and shut you out without a second thought. Before you know it, you'll find yourself knocking at a door that just won't open. Longing for a warmth that had you melting once.
