Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Breathe in. breathe out. Focus. Take one step at a time.

But sometimes even that seems too difficult. A strenuous task. This isn’t me. This isn’t a part of me that you’d see. I like to keep myself together.

Well, most of the time.

But at times, like these, I do break down. Sometime, just sometimes, I wish I were anything but me. I wish I could get a second chance at life. Go somewhere far and away from where I am right now and get a whole new beginning. If only it was that easy.

I love writing. And I love reading. I’ve always have. Since I was a kid. But lately I have started to hide under my shell. I have started to build walls around myself. Walls that keep me imprisoned now. And I’m not sure if I want to break these walls or not. It’s lonely. It’s agonizing. But it keeps me safe too. And I’m afraid. I’m so, so afraid.

And the worst part is, I’m not exactly sure if I can speak up. Sure, my friends know. And they try to help me out too. But I just can’t seem to help myself out. And after a while people leave you to yourself. Can’t blame them.

I’m afraid to write. I’m afraid to tell people how I really feel. I’m so afraid to tell them who I am. I really am. But I don’t think they’ll understand. We live in a society bound by its own norms and values. And even though I do know I haven’t done anything wrong, I know they won’t really understand. I can’t open up. I sure as hell have tried to. But it didn’t work. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I’m not sure what I want myself. I’ve landed myself in a place where I question everything. It isn’t like I hate people or the society or its judgmental behaviors. I love people. And I love life. I have always had. But I’m just not sure of myself anymore.

I don’t want the world to see me as I see myself now. Broken. Hollow. Like an empty soul with nothingness surrounding me. Maybe it’s my own insecurity. I never realized when I became this much insecure. And I don’t like it. And even though I want to change it, I don’t know how. I don’t want anyone to see my insecurity behind the façade of the strong, lively person I’ve drawn in everyone’s eye. The only thing is that it wasn’t a façade a few years back. I was a strong, lively person. And that’s the part of me that I miss the most.

I’m not sure what to say. And most importantly how much to say. Some things are just too personal. And to be kept quiet about.

 I hate whining. And I never want to. I feel guilty of being so thankless.  But at times, like today, it’s just too much to hold back and sit as if I feel nothing at all. At times, my strength deserts me.

I’m so afraid to open up in front of people. Too afraid to let them know how vulnerable I am. I am just too afraid to get hurt. Too afraid to trust the wrong people again. And I know I have no one else to blame but myself. But I just can’t…

I know there’s a morning after dark. I know clouds have a silver lining. I believe things will get better. That I just have to hold on. To let go of my fears. That I only I have to wait for this to be over. But then I was never a very patient person and this wait is killing me now. I don’t know whom I’m waiting for and why. I know life can be harsh. But what do I have if not this little ray of hope. I’d go insane. Maybe I already am. But for now I just want this ache and longing to go away.